Saturday, February 18, 2006

Leaving a Legacy

I love queens and I'm a writer. And I love writing and thinking about Queens. They parallel our lives so much---I don't even think we realize it. They went through the same pain we do, they suffered, they felt lost and alone but they did it in front of many and hid it from many. At least if I'm having a bad day, I can be alone and no one will know about it. But Queens, Empresses and Princesses did not have that luxury, did they? They did have many other luxuries.

I'm working on an historical novel---yes!! about royalty. Some of it is real and some fiction. That's kind of what I feel like today, a little real and a little fake. But foremost I want to get the novel done. There are several I want to do, and to be able to leave behind. They are going to be a little different than whats been done before, so I am hoping it will be unusual and that people will like it. It will take them into the lives of royal persons who lived and breathed and felt happiness, comfort and despair. Because its not a biography exactly, if I'm careful, I will be able to try and fill in what might have been said, what was probably said and definitely things that were done. It will almost feel like being there.

Talking about being here----well, that's what prompted me to start writing. I'm not at my best now, but I don't want it to stop my writing or my research. If I'm having a bad day, I'll write and research some depressing things. When I'm up, I'll be able to express the joyous times. I know this isn't your normal way of writing, but its the only way that I can go forward and do this. In a way, the manuscript is cathartic to me. It gives me something to think about, really think about when I feel I cannot handle anymore. But all isn't lost if you have hope. I have hope that I will continue to handle things the best I can, and my writing, perhaps, will parallel what is happening in the lives of the characters. I don't what else to do. The novel needs to be finished and I need to get better. I can't get better without my writing and my characters and I need them so----but the characters wont be able to come alive for anybody else if I don't get better.

Oh, the life of a reader and a writer. I have books, books and more books in every corner, stacked up here and there. And it makes me feel good. I have a lot of reference books and biographies and memoirs about the characters I am making come alive. Will they---maybe---help me to come alive again? I know that in order to get better, you have to help yourself. In my heart I know that I should write about the process of writing because it will help me and its important to get things on paper, and out of your system. I did it for many years and it helped me. And so I'll start a journal... a blog... a record of what really goes on while a person creates and what happens to them when they are struggling to get better.

In case anyone is too worried----Oh, like someone is really going to read this----I don't have any illness that is life threatening. But, in order to go on fully with my life, with contentment, I do need to get mentally and physically better in several areas.......and I know that only God and myself can help me on this one.

Maybe someday I'll have a long, interesting blog to go along with my novel. It could sort of be a companion to the novel.

Its very late. I should go to bed. But tonight I am going to think of some of the parallels of what I am feeling and what the real characters probably felt, and hey---they got through it and left a legacy, so why can't I??